5 Reasons Why Black/Death Metal Sucks

The thing that is pretentious, and subsequently a turn off, about black/death metal is that it's not really just about the music. First and foremost, it's a scene. This list was painstakingly borne out of a friendly discussion on an internet forum, and is somewhat a compact, visual version of the case that I was trying to push:

1. Hairdo Prerequisites

0% "blackmetal coolness"

The famous "Metallica has lost 'it' the moment

they cut their hair" internet forum blabbery.

60% "blackmetal coolness"
Bowling-ball-shiny bald: 40% + 20% for the magnificent goatee

(forget this is Jens Kidman for the sake of this list)

100% COOLNESS!!!
(+++Bonus points for inverted crucifix)

2. Overly Dramatic Band Logos

Kewwlll...

OMG, super kewl for my t-shirt!!!

Wait, what band is this again?

3. Shock Value Overuse

Demons - check. Inverted star - check. Diabolic pitchfork -  check. People/angels scrambling for their lives - check. Goat head - check (+5 to magic resistance for taking the form of the inverted star). Mock crucifixion of Jesus - check (+10 to energy for uber coolness).

I realize there are probably more 'unnerving' artworks floating around, but this'll do.

4. Lyrics

Limiting much? Apparently, you can only write about isolation, madness, darkness, desperation, suffering, etc. Basically, all things "dark" and the like. If you really want to expand, you can venture into Scandinavian black/death metal lyrical themes if you fancy that. Here's a taste:

We're the guardians of Asgaard! We have faced our enemies a thousand times or even more; still they cannot make us kneel. One thousand years of constant war; the giants look for any chance to bring down Asgaard's mighty walls. No matter what they send at us, we will never let it fall 'cause we are! WE'RE THE GUARDIANS OF ASGAARD!

That's "Guardians of Asgaard" by Amon Amarth.

There's a how-to guide down at WikiHow enumerating the different kinds of black/death metal lyrics if you want to know more.

5. The Worst Kind Of Fans

Black metal fans

Lastly, and most importantly- the fans. You don't want to be lumped with these kids. Not to mention most of them are probably deluded music elitists, angry nerds thinking everything else besides "true" metal (and its variants) is bad music. Sure, there are a few exceptions, but they're the most staunch, bigoted, narrow-minded fans you'll ever meet. The next time you talk about other music in front of these kids, be warned. They'll talk your head off about how metal is better than other genres, and if you'll stick long enough they'll begin yapping about "true" metal and how other bands are phonies and copycats, so on and so forth.