Thursday, November 11, 2010

5 Reasons Why Black/Death Metal Sucks

The thing that is pretentious, and subsequently a turn off, about black/death metal is that it's not really just about the music. First and foremost, it's a scene. This list was painstakingly borne out of a friendly discussion on an internet forum, and is somewhat a compact, visual version of the case that I was trying to push:

1. Hairdo Prerequisites

0% "blackmetal coolness"
The famous "Metallica has lost 'it' the moment
they cut their hair" internet forum blabbery.

60% "blackmetal coolness"
Bowling-ball-shiny bald: 40% + 20% for the magnificent goatee
(forget this is Jens Kidman for the sake of this list)

100% COOLNESS!!!
(+++Bonus points for inverted crucifix)

2. Overly Dramatic Band Logos


OMG, super kewl for my t-shirt!!!

Wait, what band is this again?

3. Shock Value Overuse

Demons - check. Inverted star - check. Diabolic pitchfork -  check. People/angels scrambling for their lives - check. Goat head - check (+5 to magic resistance for taking the form of the inverted star). Mock crucifixion of Jesus - check (+10 to energy for uber coolness).

I realize there are probably more 'unnerving' artworks floating around, but this'll do.

4. Lyrics

Limiting much? Apparently, you can only write about isolation, madness, darkness, desperation, suffering, etc. Basically, all things "dark" and the like. If you really want to expand, you can venture into Scandinavian black/death metal lyrical themes if you fancy that. Here's a taste:
We're the guardians of Asgaard! We have faced our enemies a thousand times or even more; still they cannot make us kneel. One thousand years of constant war; the giants look for any chance to bring down Asgaard's mighty walls. No matter what they send at us, we will never let it fall 'cause we are! WE'RE THE GUARDIANS OF ASGAARD!
That's "Guardians of Asgaard" by Amon Amarth.

There's a how-to guide down at WikiHow enumerating the different kinds of black/death metal lyrics if you want to know more.

5. The Worst Kind Of Fans

Black metal fans

Lastly, and most importantly- the fans. You don't want to be lumped with these kids. Not to mention most of them are probably deluded music elitists, angry nerds thinking everything else besides "true" metal (and its variants) is bad music. Sure, there are a few exceptions, but they're the most staunch, bigoted, narrow-minded fans you'll ever meet. The next time you talk about other music in front of these kids, be warned. They'll talk your head off about how metal is better than other genres, and if you'll stick long enough they'll begin yapping about "true" metal and how other bands are phonies and copycats, so on and so forth.


stwraith7 said...

I think black/ death metal is very hauntingly beautiful. I look NOTHING like those kids. I got a very hot girlfriend that digs metal. (most of it)... basically - you are weak and you suck. LOL. love.

tingkagol said...

"I got a very hot girlfriend blablabla... you are weak and you suck. LOL."

You proved my point.

Vincenti said...

This is a generalization. You described black metal well (I'm with you there) but Death metal isn't quite like this. Check out Opeth, Katatonia, Demon Hunter, and Between the Buried and Me. Two of those bands are Christian (like myself) and they have some beautiful pieces (especially Opeth's acoustic songs). In death metal it is not all about looks and drama and there is plenty of skill. There are exceptions but lets not condemn the genre for the actions of a few fools.

Vincenti said...

Oh! I forgot. Listen to Eluveitie, a song like "A Rose For Epona" or "Setlon" and tell me Death Metal Sucks.

ExQR said...

Eluveitie is not Death Metal, it's Folk Metal. Death Metal is shit, like Cannibal Corpse.

TeamEdwardJace said...

I love that band and I think they're mostly folk metal combined with melodic death and pagan metal

Joshua Kruger said...

Those bands aren't even death metal especially Demon Hunter and Between the buried and me.

Vlad Rose said...

Rotting Christ are black/death as well as 'early' Orphaned Land. Super talented bands; this coming from someone who generally dislikes death/black metal.

club said...

I'm not so much in to black metal or any of that brutal deathmetal, deathcore, grindcore type stuff. the instruments sounds too jumbled together and a lot of the vocals just sound like a screeching chalkboard and sloppy. Don't get me wrong I do like some metal. old school metal, thrash and even some old school death metal bands sound pretty cool and on key to me but from a musicians standpoint the metal I dislike really doesn't sound on key and has no consonance or much of a melody. The clothes, logos, and shock value part of it really doesn't bother me though and everybody has different tastes in music otherwise there wouldn't be so many different genres.